Deputy Dubya--Gomer on Crack

I like Dubya. I really do. I believe that deep down, beneath that persona of God's Chosen Messenger there lurks a loveable, smalltown lug lurching from one good ol' boy malapropism to a possible global meltdown, on the advice or encouragement of genuinely sinister men who surround him. Think of Gomer Pyle with a mean streak addicted to crack cocaine.

I like Dubya despite his involvement with drinking, drugs and presidential destiny, the same way some folks adore Barney Fife or Eddie Haskel or Bill Clinton, deeply troubled characters that perhaps best personify Americans as we really are. I gotta admit, as a once-upon-a-time Texan who still speaks the language, there's a part of me who truly believes Dubya missed his calling. Seriously, the reason the world's so screwy is guys like Dubya and Osama missed their true calling. Imagine deputy Dubya and accountant Osama without the wealth and power they now possess. Somehow the Matrix misaligned the entire universe that day, to the detriment of the entire human race, and deputy sheriff Gomer 'Dubya' Pyle escaped Mayberry with a mean streak and intentions to go postal on a global scale. I like to think Dubya would be a whole helluva lot happier'as would we'as deputy sheriff of some small, fictional Texas town. If Dubya had become a deputy sheriff instead of president, I'd probably get drunk with him. We'd guzzle long neck Pearls or Lone Stars in some west Texas town while our lives ebbed away under a million stars and we puked up our guts in the parking lot of some honky-tonk pool bar. Then Dubya'd ticket me the next day if I had a busted tail light or burnt-out bulb, but at least his meanness would be confined to the city limits or county line and not spread over the whole wide world.

What kind of lawmen would Dubya be, in that fictional west Texas town? Judging by his attitude toward the rest of the world, feared but never respected; adored but never admired; obeyed but never trusted. What kind of law enforcement could we expect in that town if Dubya patrolled the streets? Not very effective if we judge Dubya by the last two years he's patrolled the world. Imagine a VERY expensive patrol car, maybe not one costing 400 billion dollars, but still overkill as far as options, like laser guided weapons of mass destruction front and rear. I imagine Dubya would patrol the poor areas of town, rousting immigrants and librarians, looking for Mike Mullah and Sammy O'Binladen, while the true, white collar marauders wiped out the banks and savings and loan. I imagine the bluebloods living in the upscale part of that fictional Texas town, wealthy manufacturers of chainlink fencing and stun grenades, would applaud Dubya's enthusiastic use of their product.

Of course a little lobbying would convince deputy Dubya of the need to petition the town council to purchase sufficient chainlink and razorwire to sheath the whole town in security fence, and issue stun grenades to deputized citizens. Of course a terror alert or two would have to be issued. Still the search for alleged weapons of mass destruction belonging to Mike Mullah and Sammy O'Binladin--who blew up the downtown grain storage and fled to the nearby hills--would somehow get side-tracked, as would the search for Mike and Sammy themselves. Instead Dubya would probably deputize the National Guard and stake out the Palestine trailer park at the edge of town, while he assured the nervous townfolk of a strategy he devised, called the roadmap. Following the advice of Harry Sharon, the corrupt sheriff from distant Zion, Texas, who was once tied to a mysterious string of murders, serial killings and assorted land grabs, Dubya would agree to bulldoze the trailer park and surrounding orchards, home to several families of migrant workers, because the fugitives Mullah and O'Binladin were once sighted there. Or alleged to have been sighted.

Yup, that fictional small Texas town would probably have to suffer the malevolent slapstick of deputy Dubya and corrupt sheriff Sharon but at least the scale of incompetence and suffering would be confined to one county and not the whole goddamned planet!