Smackdown! I Challenge Rumsfeld to a Royal Rumble

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In a true democracy, (which we do NOT have), an underling like myself might challenge a tribal leader, especially one not elected, like Rumsfeld, and "call him out," force him to prove himself, especially in his chosen field of expertise. Otherwise, what's the point of democracy?

With that in mind, I challenge Donald Rumsfeld--bully, war criminal, and former college champion wrestler--to a Winner-Take-All wrestling match. Loser accepts the winner's conditions. Loser apologizes, donates his entire wealth to charity, and henceforth works for peace. Or in Rummy's case, war.

Of course, I fully expect a bully like Rumsfeld to dodge this challenge. Bullies, like Rumsfeld, always delegate other bullies to do their fighting. Bullies never fight fair. Bullies prefer to bellow from a podium, surrounded by fawning followers, and legions of brainwashed soldiers. Bullies brag how tough they are, betraying their cowardice to anyone with the slightest intelligence. Bullies--like Rumsfeld--love to bully weaker opponents, or have their henchmen bully weaker victims. After all, bullies are what we have now instead of leaders.

I fully expect to win. Indeed I've already won. You see, I'm only a former high school wrestler, and not a very good one. I wrestled only one year, at Howell High school in Michigan, about 40 years ago, and finished with a record of three wins and four losses. I wrestled in the 127 lb. weight class (I'm now 180 lbs. of pudgy muscle). My defining moment was losing to the eventual state champion when he pinned me in the first period.

Still, I feel confident I'd kick Rumsfeld's ass all over the mat. Why? Because I'm more intelligent now, more savvy--and filled with a distilled rage. I'm younger than Rummy, although his college experience at Princeton, outshines my high school experiences. Still, the best high school wrestler is better than any Ivy League college wrestler, just as any small town, Midwestern politician is better than any Ivy League educated president. Witness Bill Clinton and the two Bushes, mediocrities all, Ivy League educated.

And I feel I could channel the rage of some six billion folks around the world, as Muhammed Ali did in Zaire against George Foreman. Recall that Ali drew his strength from tremendous conditioning, cunning and inner zeal--and the energy of the crowd. Using the same tactics, almost anyone could destroy Rumsfeld, even an 80 year-old man, in the months leading up to and throughout the match.

Rumsfeld would be defeated long before he ever stepped onto the mat. And he knows it. And that is why the squinty-eyed hedgehog would never risk indignity, never risk international shame, risk getting his ass whupped by, God forbid, an underdog!

You see, once you stand up to bullies, they either cower in fright, or they order others to do their dirty work, as we've witnessed in Iraq. And that is exactly what we've seen from Bush, Cheney, Wolfowitz, Perle, Rumsfeld, and that whole rat pack of propagandists at Fox and CNN who front for these cardboard cowards. Bullies all; cowards to a man.

Why would I want to fight Rumsfeld? Because all those worthy officers at the Pentagon who silently oppose him--but who are too worried about their careers, too worried about their retirement plans--are unwilling to speak out. You see, I'm just an ordinary, former enlisted man. Once we sergeants leave the service, we fear no career officers. We have no cushy, high-paying, defense contracting jobs to worry about, as do many career officers.

Another good reason to kick Rumsfeld's ass on national television? Stop Loss. If you're a serviceman who has had his life hijacked by policymakers who never served, Stop Loss is insane. I'll bet a million US servicemen and women would cheer wildly--"STOP LOSS!"--every time I smashed Rummy to the mat.

Of course Rummy would have a few fans in the stadium crowd. Very few, I imagine. Maybe a few brainwashed Army officers, a sprinkling of soldiers, and some of those Rent-a-generals we always see on Fox or CNN.

Now imagine two or three BILLION Pay-per-View customers. WORLDWIDE. All of them cheering for Rummy to lose! From Aruba to Zaire, from Bangladesh to Patagonia, from Crete to New Zealand, the common folks would be tuned in to watch, "Smackdown! Rumsfeld's Royal Rumble"--to see the great warlord lose! Imagine the excitement of 200,000 stadium fans. Imagine Rumsfeld in tights fleeing a grinning, graying, heckling maniac--Me!

We could raise millions. Tens of millions. I'd donate the proceeds to hospitals in Iraq, after I pinned the old warmonger. Donate the millions to those same hospitals Rummy helped destroy in his occupation. Maybe his defeat would then speed up the democratic process, once he got his due, once he conceded defeat. Of course, as most of us already know, the chance of a bully accepting a challenge is nil. Bullies always have others do the fighting for them.

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Douglas Herman's picture
Columns on STR: 136

Award winning artist, photographer and freelance journalist, Douglas Herman enjoys exploring the occasional ghost town or spooky conspiracy and can be found wandering the back roads of America. Recently Doug finished writing, directing and producing an independent feature film, naturally a "road movie," and credits STR for giving him the impetus to write well, both provocatively and entertainingly. A longtime gypsy, Doug completed a 10,000 mile circumnavigation of North America, by bicycle, at the age of 35, and still wanders between Bullhead City, Arizona and Kodiak, Alaska with forays frequently into the so-called civilized world of Greater LA.