Issues? Shmissues. So what if he hasn't accomplished anything. Like most Americans when I vote, I want to know the important stuff. Don't confuse me with the facts! I need to know what kind of people I will be electing with my vote! I love George W. Bush. I love the first family. Here are the top ten reasons why I think you should vote for George this November:
Reason #1: I think George W. Bush is the epitome of a president.
Regardless of what you say about George W. Bush, I think he is one of the mostest U.S. presidents we've ever had. George is the epitome of a U.S. president. He is everything you could ever ask for in a president. He is just like other presidents only more so. He is a "president's president."
George makes life exciting. He is like getting a camera as a Christmas present: The gift that just keeps on giving. Why, every morning I look forward to opening the newspaper to see just what pearls of wisdom our president has spoken in the last day or so. And pearls he speaks, he does. Why just the other day, while addressing the United Nations, President Bush set my rest to worries when he said:
". . . both Afghanistan and Iraq are 'no longer harboring terrorists.'" Woah! What a relief that was! Then he went on to add:
"We can expect terrorist attacks to escalate." Damned terrorists! Just like cockroaches! Now just where are they coming from? Bet they are hiding behind the refrigerator!
Reason #2: I've become richer since George became president
The other good thing about President Bush is that he has saved me lots of money on Christmas and birthday presents. Let's face it, none of us really like our in-laws anyway. Throw in our grandfather and grandmother, aunts and uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews, as well as our blood brothers and sisters and you've saved at least enough money, annually, to buy a few cases of beer and then some.
And because my relatives all live in the United States, so they're broke - I've returned the favor by not expecting crappy Made-in-China presents from them. So thanks to George, everyone's happy.
Since good old George has become president, The Nitro's true family values have come out in the open - we all hate each other. And should it be any other way? How could we be happy by living a lie? That's why when I let it slip that I thought President Bush was the biggest doofus that we've ever had as president, my family disowned me . . . My fault, really. Like I said, President Bush is a "president's president" so for me to make an outrageous statement like:
"President Bush is lying about Iraq. He's lying about 9-11. He's lying about serving in the National Guard . . . He's the worst, chronic, habitual liar that has ever been president."
I admit that saying this was an unforgivable sin on my part. After all, what do I know? I've only heard presidents Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Chevy Chase, Carter, Bush-daddy, Clinton, and now GWB, lying their asses off. How would I know if George W. is the worst liar in US presidential history?
Let's face it: I blew it there. Not only was I, "Talking out of my hat"; I should have known that in today's America, it is bad manners to state any sort of political opinion when amongst family, cops, friends, neighbors, mere acquaintances, house pets, or complete strangers. Even if it is a joke. One never knows when an American may disagree with your opinion, yet defend your right to say it, by punching you in the nose.
Reason #3: George has a plan.
I remember that before the invasion of Iraq, all my American ex-friends and family told me that George had told them that, "The American army will be greeted by Iraqis as liberators . . . . We'll be in and out of Iraq in four weeks . . . . They'll be throwing flowers at us . . ."
As you know, it didn't exactly work out that way, but is it George's fault that there were no FTD florists in Baghdad? I think not!
"In and out in four weeks?!" Well, our guys are having so much fun over there in Iraq, why cut the party short? They love us over there. Love! Can you spell it just like George can? Love! Spelled: L-U-V.
Reason #4: George W. Bush has an excellent sense of humor.
Yep, George is my kind of comedian. Imagine ladies, if you will, you are out on a first date with a guy. Of course he does all the things necessary to impress a lady: opens the car door for her; takes her to a fancy restaurant; is kind and gentle; enjoys conversation and a good laugh; sticks chopsticks in his nostrils.
Chop sticks in his nostrils!?
Isn't that just a knee-slapper? Oh me! I can just never get enough of that one whenever I'm out at a fancy restaurant! Chopsticks in the nostrils!? How clever and simply hilarious!
And that part just goes to show what a class act Laura Bush is also! Because she thinks it's hilarious, too! Imagine the laughs and fun to be had by all when some head-of-state, say Vladimir Putin, comes to visit with his wife and George "breaks the ice" by "putin" chopsticks in his nose! Fabulous! . . . Simply Fabulous!
Reason #5: I love dippy women who look cross-eyed.
Yeah, I love Barbara Streisand and I love watching Laura on TV. Laura gives the best interviews! She tell us the important stuff that we want to know about what it's like to live with the most powerful man in the world (not counting Arnie, Bruce Willis, or Snoop-Doggy-Dog). Like this Valentines Day special in Good Housekeeping magazine:
Question: Do you ever get into arguments with the President?
Laura: We seldom will argue anymore, I have to admit. Or fight like we might have in the early years of our marriage. I think because we've been married for as long as we've been married, we seldom have those arguments that we might have had earlier.
I hear you Laura! Me too! I used to do stuff that I no longer do because now I no longer do them like I used to.
Reason #6: George may be busy, but he helps with the house-chores!
Well, of course I'm not there everyday to check this personally, but Laura claims that:
"Still, to this day, my husband brings coffee to me."
Okay, I won't say she is lying or exaggerating, let's just say she is "giving the official version." Come on, Laura, how could he be bringing you coffee everyday when he's sometimes traveling around the world and you are not with him? I know this one is a bit of a stretch . . . But hey! Just like my parents used to say to me, "I've told you a million times not to do this (or that)!"
"A million times!?" I'd answer. "Do you realize that you would have had to tell me that 100 times a day for 27.39 years to equal a million times? And, considering the fact that I am only 12 years old, I find that hard to believe."
That shut 'em up everytime . . . . Well, not everytime.
Reason #8: Did someone say house-chores? George can cook, too!
We all know about how well George can cook turkey dinners, right? Well, in the same Good Housekeeping interview that I mentioned earlier, Laura (while attempting to look straight into the camera) continued her interview with this gem:
Question: Do you remember what you used to quarrel about?
Laura: Before, what always made me mad was that I thought he was messy. Or we were getting ready to have a lot of people to dinner, and I didn't think he was helping enough. But on the other hand, he also was very generous. He always took the clothes to the laundry, to the dry cleaners. He always did that. My clothes and his clothes. I never had to run that errand. I did nearly all the cooking, although he was famous for pancakes. Pancakes a la George.
See? Pancakes a la George! Wow! Sounds great . . . Tell us more, Laura!
Laura: Of course, I did put the batter together.
Wait a minute here! You put the batter together!? And you call that Pancakes a la George!? Jeez, that's like when I let my ten-year-old daughter help me "cook" spaghetti:
"Here, honey, you can wash the tomatoes . . ."
But I guess you'd have to call those "Pancakes a la George," cause if you're the one making the batter and he is the one holding the fry-pan and spatula, you'd better do as your told!
Reason #9: Laura keeps George from drinking too much.
You read it right! When George has had one too many, who is it that tells him to stop drinking so much? Mrs. Laura Bush, that's who! We'll let George tell you all about it:
"On the occasions where I drank too much, she reminded me I was drinking too much. And I listened."
Nag! Nag! Nag! Don't you just hate that? I know I do. Whenever I'm so drunk that I can hardly walk, my wife gets mad at me. I have to listen to her nagging me too. Then when she's done yapping I always say, "Shaddup you oh-so-stoopid woooooh-man!"
But then again, I live walking distance from my favorite bar, so I can still stagger home. When George is drinking, he has to drive the car home. So okay, cut Laura some slack.
Reason #10: George and Laura approve of the pre-marital "dirty deed."
Yeah! George's mom, Barbara said so. She was being interviewed for Yahoo Entertainment and said about George and Laura's two month courtship:
"That summer he came to spend his two-week vacation with us and he lasted four days," Barbara Bush recalls. "He would call Austin, TX, and Laura said, 'I can't talk now. I am going out on a date.'"
Okay, this is a bit confusing as to who said what - we are, after all, talking about the Bush family here. But either way, there are several days here when George's location seems to be a mystery (if you've been living in a cave, I mean).
George goes back to his folks house for a two-week stay. Calls up his girlfriend, Laura; then winds up hanging out at mom and pop's for only four days. Let's see: Two weeks times seven days a week, equals fourteen. Fourteen minus four equals ten. So I am assuming that George either crashed out at Laura's pad or they found their own little "love shack" somewhere for ten days. Now don't try to convince me that they were just sitting and reading books, either. So what were they doing? . . . "Playing Chess?" Or (as George would mis-pronounce it) "Playing chest?" Heaven forbid! That would be sin!
Well, there you have it. My top ten reasons to vote for George this November. In the meantime, if you "borrow" the president's humor and put chopsticks in your nose thereby becoming the life of the party - any party, make sure you give credit where credit is due: show some respect for the president; your president: George Walker Bush.
This article greatly indebted to the re-elect George W. Bush campaign.