By Tony Pivetta.
Exclusive to STR
You’ve really done it this time, Dr. Rand Paul. Our thought crime stands exposed! Your impolitic utterances [6] have confirmed what our fascio-socialist elites (motto: “Forced to be Free! Hooray, Dumb-Ah-Crah-Cee!”) have long suspected; namely, that we Neanderthal devotees of do-nothing government uphold the right to do whatever we damn well please with our own property. So what if that means keeping historically oppressed minorities—e.g., left-handed Eskimos, Wicca practitioners, University of Spoiled Children [7] football fans—off our property and out of our commercial transactions for no good reason? (“Good reason” here defined by those same chattering classes who, as Karen De Coster [8] has so incisively noted, would not object to a black businessman’s refusal to serve a Klansman.) We just don’t care. Our idolatrous devotion to property rights trumps all considerations of Sporting Fair Play.
Not that the chatterers will grant us the freedom to act on our reactionary musings. That just wouldn’t be fair! No, they stand at the fore: ready, willing and able to sic their Sporting Fair Play cops on recalcitrant rednecks like us. Or do they? It so happens one fanatical sect has eluded their critical gaze, famously practicing invidious racial and religious (yes, both—oh, the humanity!) discrimination since its arrival on these shores (fleeing religious persecution, of all things!) a quarter of a millennium ago. It persists in its throwback ways today. This notwithstanding the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and with nary a peep of protest from the bien-pensants! Indeed, many of these same bien-pensants have been known to spend their hard-earned fiat dollars on leisurely excursions [9] to this cult’s far-flung compounds, which pockmark the farmlands and villages of this fair (the word is used advisedly!) land like so many conspiratorial craters on a faked Apollo Moon Landing [10] film set. Freethinking Hollywood itself has portrayed it in a favorable light [11].
Such is the thrall in which these cultists hold us! Even the cultural vanguard has been blinded to their evil ways!
Who are these sinister bigots, you ask? Why, it’s as plain as the hook-and-eye closures [12] on the corsetry on their womenfolk’s backs: the Amish. The Amish, you ask, incredulously? Yes, the Amish! Oh sure, they come off as folksy and decent and quaint with their simplified lifestyles and gentle and dignified ways. But they’re separatists! They contribute to their community and their community alone — building homes, raising barns, and tilling the soil for each other, educating their segregated Amish young in segregated Amish schools. You don’t see them contributing to the Hmong [13] or Catholic or Tourette’s syndrome [14] communities, do you? By no means! They fancy themselves superior to those communities! They disassociate from them! They discriminate against them!
So maniacal is the insular Amish’s sense of superiority that they lump the rest of humanity—black and white, Jew and Gentile, Strike-the-Root [15] and Freeper [16] reader—into an amorphous blob of protoplasm they cavalierly dismiss as the “English.” But that’s not all. Dogmatic pacifists, the Amish steadfastly refuse to contribute their fair (there’s that word again!) share, whether in blood or treasure, to the permanent regime’s permanent project to Americanize the globe via permanent humanitarian bombing. (The Amish clearly aren’t for us—so they must be against us!) Finally—and this item is intended for mature audiences only—they’re raw milk traffickers! [17]
Enough is enough. As libertarians, we’re all in favor of the First Amendment and freedom of religion and all that crap, but a church this hate-filled has no business enjoying BATF approval. Letting the Amish run free in our midst—where they freely choose not to run free in our midst—is a sure recipe for Balkanization. It won’t stop with various clans making sport of each other’s garb! No, camps of rabid partisans are bound to spring up, each of them armed to the teeth, and before you know it, we’ll all be at each other’s throats—robbing, maiming, raping, pillaging and killing each other!
Do you hear us, federales? We want Showtime [18]! With Posse Comitatus [19] as dead as our ballyhooed Bill of Rights, no “living” parchment’s penumbra and emanations stand in your way! Please now unleash the full force of your righteous fury: your dynamic entries, flash-bang grenades, psy-ops, CS gas, armored personnel carriers and automatic weapons! Diversity is our strength! Only you can make it happen! If the Department of Imperial Mischief ... er, uh ... Defense can shrug off the Vietnam Syndrome, isn't it high time you guys shrug off Ruby Ridge [20] and Waco [21]? Now get out there and bash some Amish heads!
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