Column by Douglas Herman.
Exclusive to STR
Epidemic of National Erectile Dysfunction Strikes America! Experts Point to Putin as Culprit in Incurable Disease.
What Is Putinitis?
Do you find yourself not only questioning authority, but pitying all those who do not? Do you drive down the freeway, feeling surrounded by sociopaths on cellphones, most of them madly tweeting and texting, while trying to wreck your car? Do you suspect that ISIS is a state-sponsored bogeyman, but less a threat to you and your car than these soccer moms and texting teens intent on killing you between texts? Do you feel uneasy walking around in those big box super stores, surrounded by incredibly obese people and their porculent kids, wondering how long America can survive in a high fructose, gluten-free world amid a tidal wave of skinny immigrants with brand new EBT cards? Do you suspect the New England Patriots are backed by The Illuminati, the same people who cleverly passed the PATRIOT Act at the exact same time in 2001, and awarded the aptly-named Patriots the first of many Super Bowls?
If you, or someone like you, suffers from these symptoms, you may already have Putinitis.
What is Putinitis, exactly? Scientists, most of them political scientists, media pundits and Pentagon spokespersons, say that Putinitis is a combination of psoriasis, erectile dysfunction and mental retardation caused principally by uncontrolled belief in conspiracy theories. They point to President Putin--known as Darth Putin to the entire free world encompassing the District of Columbia, Langley and lower Manhattan--as the root cause.
These experts point to a dangerous trend, especially in flyover country west of Sandy Hook and east of Bundy Ranch, spreading across the land. What is this dangerous trend, you ask?
Whenever the official version of any terrorist event is reported by the benevolent US government, and faithfully parroted by the courageous American mainstream media within mere seconds of occurrence, an increasing number of otherwise intelligent people become infected with skepticism. This skepticism is the first dangerous sign of Putinitis.
Putinitis Strikes Without Warning
Usually victims succumb to this incurable mental disease within 24 hours. Sometimes the victims fall ill immediately after exposure to a five minute James Corbett video on YouTube or after viewing Google Images of some spectacular terrorist event, like the Boston Marathon Bombing, Sandy Hook Shooting or the Shanksville airplane crash site.
Suddenly the victim is spouting drivel, questioning prestigious, peer-reviewed scientific organizations. Some victims have even been known to question the august findings of the National Institute of Standards & Technology (NIST) and the BBC, over something as trivial as the collapse of WTC Building 7.
The victim suffering from advanced Putinitis may spout some fact-based inanity, lifted directly from the Internet, undoubtedly influenced by subversives Alex Jones or Ron Paul. Quoting something as antiquated and meaningless as the US Constitution, the victim tends to ramble on about the curtailment of individual rights, false flags and war crimes.
Following a period of high fever, pretending to be patriotic rage, the victim of Putinitis will spout some absurd statements like the First, Second or even Fourth Amendment. The poor, deluded person may even indicate a compulsion to join the Oathkeepers or express a moronic desire to go visit a coin store or gun show.
Following a period of quiet reflection, or confinement, the victim realizes that all his friends and family consider him to be clinically insane. Normally the virus spreads, especially with continued exposure to websites unafraid to put Putin under the microscope. Then the sickness goes viral and victims may exhibit the worst phase of all: National Erectile Dysfunction!
What is NED? What is this most horrible symptom?
NED in not dead but a symptom sweeping our country worse than death itself. NED is when the electorate becomes flaccid, limp and unable to perform. When the citizenry fails to get up for external stimulus, when phrases like “Weapons of Mass Destruction” and the “New Hitler” fail to arouse the masses, when even performance drugs like FOX News may fail to arouse Joe Sixpack or Hillary Housewife at times.
Pocket rocket scientists at NASA say that NED indicates the fatal phase where President Putin of Russia becomes more Believable, Brave & Trustworthy to the victim, more believable than the beloved American President, more believable than the ethical US intelligence agencies and more trustworthy than the entire mainstream media.
Suddenly the victim is Rootin’ for Putin. Not only does the poor, diseased madman think that Vladimir Putin has some legitimate grievances--much like the victim himself--but that everything his own National Erect Government (NEG) has been telling him for 50 years or more is One Great Big Fat Lie. Putin becomes almost a sort of savior.
Putinitis: The Enemy of My Enemy Is My Friend
Suddenly the victim succumbs to outright madness. His patriotism suffers from erectile dysfunction. No amount of flag-waving, football or beer commercials can convince him that America is still the Land-of-the-Free-and-Home-of-the Brave.
For victims of Putinitis, sadly, the only known cure is elimination. Not only elimination of the victims but elimination of Putin, the World Wide Web and the Constitution too. To fully eradicate the spread of Putinitis, everything unsavory must go.
Gold bugs, gun nuts, preppers, whistleblowers and conspiracy theorists must go. And all those gun-wielding terrorists at Bundy Ranch would have to go too, having terrified our freedom fighters in Washington DC. Only then will America be safe again for the little children and refugees everywhere.
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