Column by Emiliano Antunez.
Exclusive to STR
If you boarded a plane over the holiday weekend, I am sure you weren’t very comfortable exposing your “privates” on a screen or having a “highly trained” TSA employee feel your “junk.” The TSA should explore giving flyers options in order to make these invasive procedures more bearable or constructive.
There are many ways in which this outright sexual assault can be made entertaining or save you a visit to the doctor. If the TSA can be creative or intrusive enough, it might be able to save Health Care Reform and potentially your life. If not, it at least can make the pre-flight cheap-feel a more pleasurable experience or medically useful.
The TSA should consider offering the following options to the traveling public, keeping in mind that different travelers have different needs and tastes.
In deference to the old adage that “sex sells,” the TSA could offer a Stripper Search option were depending on your sexual preference, a young, attractive, scantily clad TSA agent (with experience in the adult entertainment field) can pat you down and feel your junk. If you are uncomfortable with being aroused in public, for a little extra coin you can get this done in the private TSA VIP Cockpit Lounge complete with couch and full liquor bar, “Happy Endings” not included. Guys (especially the older ones), don’t forget to pop your Viagra one hour before takeoff.
There could also be the Porno Ray Exposure in which pay per view would be sold through cable companies of passengers being body scanned. Travelers who choose this option would receive a portion of the earnings. Those travelers who make gyrating and seductive moves or are extremely well endowed--whether by nature or plastic surgery-- would receive a bonus.
These two options would not only better serve the horny traveling public but also help fill the coffers of our heavily indebted federal government. But what about the not-so-horny travelers who perhaps have other concerns? What options would be available to them?
For travelers over 50 who haven’t had time to go get their colon checked, the TSA could offer the Colonoscopy Search and Destroy. The TSA would make sure that potential terrorists have not swallowed a bomb and at the same time eradicate dangerous polyps. In order to qualify for this search, you must empty your bowels one hour prior to getting to the airport and bring the proof in a bag.
If you’re a man over 40 and haven’t had your prostate checked, the TSA could offer the Back Door Digital Prostatic Exam. This search would not only let you be at ease as to the condition of your prostate but at the same time let TSA agents verify that there are no dangerous objects between your butt cheeks or in your rectum. Better “safe” and undignified than tactless and sorry.
Women over 40 who have been too busy raising kids, working and keeping the house clean to get their breasts checked for cancer could opt for the Mammary Grope and Scan. Here a skillful TSA agent could feel your breast and later scan them, not only making sure that you have not surgically implanted any explosives in your breast, but also detecting any suspicious growths. The TSA will not be responsible for bursting implants.
These searches would not only help make flying “safer” but would also help detect potential health risk, saving billions in health care costs and thousands of lives.
What about the children? They are legally not allowed to go through the Stripper Search or Porno Ray Exposure (except maybe in France) and are too young to be concerned with their prostates, colons or breasts. Yet there is a danger that these innocent looking little ones could also be harboring weapons of mass destruction.
For children, the TSA could offer the Disney Character Pat Down, and during the holiday travel season, the Naughty Santa Search. Kids could be frisked by their favorite Disney character, the Easter Bunny or Santa and his elves, depending on the time of year. Defrocked Catholic priests need not apply.
Don’t expect the TSA to go away or implement any of these options anytime soon; they have the full force and power of the US government behind them. So they can and will continue to embarrass, humiliate and dehumanize all those who wish to travel the friendly skies via the not-so-friendly federally seized airports.