TSA Workers Face Verbal Abuse


B.R. Merrick's picture

TICKET AGENT: Can I help you, sir?
FAKE ME: Yes, I'd like to get a round-trip ticket to San Diego.
TICKET AGENT: When would you like to leave and return?
FAKE ME: I would like to leave tomorrow morning and return on Sunday.
TICKET AGENT: Business class or coach?
FAKE ME: Coach, please.
TICKET AGENT: Okay... That'll be $616. How would you like to pay?
TICKET AGENT: Okay, thanks.
FAKE ME: One more thing.
FAKE ME: I'd like to be treated like a common criminal, to be manhandled and asked intrusive questions ad nauseam.
FAKE ME: Yes, it helps me to feel safe. If they treat us all like dirt, I know they're doing their jobs.
TICKET AGENT: Oh, okay. Well, I'm sure we can provide that.
FAKE ME: Can they look really bored when they're groping my nuts?
TICKET AGENT: I'll ask them to throw that in for you.
FAKE ME: Thanks. I'm scared to death of terrorists. Having my nuts groped in a bored manner makes me at least FEEL safe, even though I'm probably not; even though it will probably be my fellow passengers who help me out in a pinch, like the underpants and shoe bombers.

Stewart Baker says, “Instead of making this Wednesday National Opt-Out Day in which a bunch of self-appointed guardians of liberty slow down the line for everyone by asking for pat-downs, maybe what we need is a day when everyone who goes through the line says, ‘Thanks for what you do.’” As a self-appointed guardian of liberty, Mr. Baker, and in the spirit of the season, I'd like to ask you to shove it.

I haven't flown since before 9/11, and I'm not sure I ever will again. Maybe I should become a pilot and buy my own little plane? How much for a two-seater?