Note to Republicans: Impeach Bush!
Jonathan David ...
2007-07-17 16:00
July 18, 2007
It's great to see so many Republicans jumping off the George W. Bush bandwagon. Now that it's considered political suicide for the GOP to support its own president, maybe we'll finally have a party in Washington with the guts to impeach him.
Fixing the Presidential Debates
Jonathan David ...
2007-06-05 16:00
I found myself watching another Democratic presidential debate the other day. I'm honestly not sure why I keep subjecting myself to these things.
Whose idea was it to put Wolf Blitzer onstage with the Democrats-for-president the same week Jack Kevorkian got out of prison? Is there a human being on the planet with a less favorable name-to-personality ratio than Wolf Blitzer?
As far as I'm...
Giuliani Is Delusional
Jonathan David ...
2007-05-22 16:00
May 23, 2007
I like how people think Rudy Giuliani won the second Republican presidential debate. I guess that depends on your definition of 'won.' To me, he only won it if the idea was to look like a fool.
After hearing Ron Paul explain the CIA's concept of blowback'the idea that American foreign policy stirred up the hate that inspired 9/11'Rudy took a stern look and quickly responded: 'That's...
On Decency and the Death of Zarqawi
Jonathan David ...
2006-06-13 16:00
America is a strange country.
Last week, the U.S. military ended the life of one Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, a high-profile terrorist leader who had been wreaking relative havoc both on Iraq as well as my MS Word spellchecker for years. Like most Americans, I consider Zarqawi's death to be generally helpful. I also tend to view him as someone who fundamentally deserved to die. Anyone who's seen the...
How Our Shortsighted Media Got Us Into War
Jonathan David ...
2006-04-26 16:00
Should I consider it weird how none of my friends have ever joined the army? In and of itself, I suppose this feat is nothing exceptional. I know lots of people who've never done lots of things. Like racecar driving or becoming an astronaut. After September 11th, however, lots of my friends talked about enlisting like they were all but a shaved head and a new pair of boots away from...
How Our Shortsighted Media Got Us Into War
Jonathan David ...
2006-03-28 16:00
I like how the cool thing in pro-war circles right now is to say that Iraq is going quite well, but that it's the media's fault for focusing on the bad stuff. Maybe if journalists spent more time checking and balancing the government than ducking claims of Red or Blue bias, we wouldn't've gone to war over faulty intelligence, and there wouldn't be any bad stuff to focus on in the first place...
The Failure of the Iraq War
Jonathan David ...
2006-03-21 17:00
In last week's article, I wrote that 'the only thing America's confident in anymore is its military.' Predictably, I got a couple of letters from people who angrily denied this assertion'only to turn around and remind me we wouldn't be free if people hadn't 'shed blood' for our country. This was basically exactly what I was getting at. America's a nation enamored by its military.
It's Time to Forget September 11
Jonathan David ...
2006-03-14 17:00
It's time to forget September 11th. That's right. You heard me. It's time to push it out of our minds. You can hoot and holler all you want about this concept. You can say I'm anti-American. You can even accuse me of spitting on the memories of all those who died. But you would miss the point of what I'm about to say here, because this has nothing to do with the heroes or...
By a Show of Hands, Who Cares About the First Amendment?
Jonathan David ...
2006-03-07 17:00
Seventeen percent of Americans think the First Amendment guarantees them the right to drive a car. I'm not kidding about this. Last week, the McCormick Tribune Freedom Museum announced the results of a survey of 1,000 Americans, which suggested our country is more familiar with Simpsons characters, commercial slogans, and the judges from American Idol than with the five freedoms...
Right Brain + Left Brain = No Brain
Jonathan David ...
2006-01-31 17:00
Last week, Drew Westen of Emory University announced the results of a study conducted before the 2004 election, which examined the brains of George Bush and John Kerry supporters. The results of this study suggested that partisan thinking derives not from reason but pure emotion. When faced with favorable facts about their candidates, the men's brains lit up like junkies getting their fix on....
Tookie, Continued
Jonathan David ...
2006-01-10 17:00
I know a lot of dumb people who've said a lot of dumb things. In fact, I am one of those people. I've said that only-children tend to be spoiled in front of people who didn't have brothers and sisters. I've made fun of people without college educations in front of people who it turned out never went to college. I regularly make a complete and total ass out of myself. I should probably find a way...
Tookie, Continued
Jonathan David ...
2005-12-06 17:00
Last week, I wrote a column in which I implored the State of California not to execute convicted murderer and Crips co-founder Stan 'Tookie' Williams. I've been getting some pretty interesting responses to that column. Well, maybe 'interesting' isn't the right word. Most of the responses have been pretty standard. Few have been thought-provoking. But I guess it's just the overriding sentiment'...
The Honest Truth About Honest Abe
Jonathan David ...
2005-10-04 16:00
As we speak, the town of Dover, Pennsylvania, is debating whether intelligent design theory ought to be mentioned in public school science classes. I find it somewhat ironic that we're discussing how to teach the origins of life when we can't even straighten out how to teach what happened after it began. Forget about science. Let's talk about the most one-sided, whitewashed subject in all of...
Rock Is Dead and Live 8 Killed It
Jonathan David ...
2005-07-12 16:00
All right, let me just get this off my chest: On Saturday, July 2, 2005, I, Jonathan David Morris, totally failed to eradicate African poverty. That's right. Live 8 came to Philly and I stayed home. I had my reasons, of course. Parking. Restroom access. A concert line-up'Will Smith and Josh Groban, together at last'too remarkable to bear. But most importantly, I stayed home out of...
Free Speech vs. the Flag
Jonathan David ...
2005-06-22 16:00
Hilarious.
That's the only word I can use to describe recent statements by Thomas Cadmus of the American Legion.
The House of Representatives has passed an amendment to the U.S. Constitution banning "physical desecration" of the American flag. The measure will now move on to the Senate, and if it passes -- which it will, based on recent GOP history -- it will move to the states, 38 of which are...
The Non-Aggression Principle
Jonathan David ...
2005-05-31 16:00
A short time ago'okay, okay, way back in January'I began a discussion on the definition of libertarianism, which I've been meaning to continue ever since. The January column focused on two things: (1) the average libertarian's dislike for government; and (2) the average libertarian's dislike for average libertarians. While it's certainly true that most libertarians see the government as the mafia...
What Is the Dark Side?
Jonathan David ...
2005-05-24 16:00
Okay, so here's a question for you: Suppose good and evil are as clearly defined in real life as they are in the Star Wars saga. You've got good guys who wear white and seek the ways of the Force, and bad guys who wear black and use the Force's Dark Side. In such a clear and unambiguous universe, who, in their right mind, would choose evil? And why?
On Terri Schiavo
Jonathan David ...
2005-03-28 16:00
A longtime reader emailed me after last week's article to ask why I wrote about steroids instead of Terri Schiavo. The honest answer is, because I didn't feel like writing about Terri Schiavo. That's right. It's that easy. I didn't feel like writing about her. In fact, I still don't. The only reason I'm writing this is to tell you I don't feel like writing it. I can't look at Terri Schiavo for...
Vermont Agrees to Disagree
Jonathan David ...
2005-03-08 17:00
Did Vermont just secede from the Union?
You may have missed it, but roughly 50 Vermont towns passed resolutions last week calling for the return of their National Guardsmen from Iraq.
'They can't do that,' you say.
Sure they can. They just did.
Duke, Where's My Car?
Jonathan David ...
2005-02-08 17:00
I have to admit the upcoming Dukes of Hazzard movie has a strong supporting cast. Seann William Scott and Johnny Knoxville will play the good old boys, Bo and Luke Duke. Willie Nelson will play Uncle Jesse. Burt Reynolds is the surprising'yet promising'choice for Boss Hogg. And, finally, Jessica Simpson will step off the set of her made-for-TV marriage and into some short shorts as the Pride of...
Libertarians: Defined
Jonathan David ...
2005-01-25 17:00
In last week's column, I referred to myself as a libertarian, which I defined as 'nicepeoplespeak for a 'guy who doesn't like government.'' After that article published, I got a letter from a guy named Mike. Mike's worried that many of his friends are becoming self-professed libertarians without really knowing what libertarianism is.
One State, Two State, Red State, Blue State
Jonathan David ...
2004-11-09 17:00
John Kerry says 'there are no losers' 'in an American election.' There's a part of me that finds this ironic, given that it was said during his concession speech, and given that concession, by definition, means admitting defeat. But then there's another part of me that realizes irony, by definition, means something unexpected'which would disqualify what Kerry said, since it's what we'd expect...
Maybe, Maybe Not: Assorted Thoughts on the Upcoming Election
Jonathan David ...
2004-10-19 16:00
Believe it or not, I don't know if I'm going to vote this year. It's true. Election Day is November 2nd and I still have no idea what I'm going to do. You would think someone such as myself, who happens to write a column on politics, would have it all figured out by now. But if you thought that, you would be wrong. I'm an undecided voter in a battleground state; I'm everything the candidates like...
Democracy: It"s for the Dogs
Jonathan David ...
2004-09-28 16:00
I wrote last week that it isn't enough to complain about taxation without representation'that we've got to insist on no taxation whatsoever instead. Why did I say this? Because: 'Taxation is how politicians exploit our hard work and labor.'
I want to expand on this.
My main complaint here is that our elected representatives don't represent us, but rather themselves. It couldn't be any more...
Taxation With Representation
Jonathan David ...
2004-09-21 16:00
It was right around 7:30 last Friday morning when I crossed over the Delaware River Bridge on my way to work. About a minute after merging onto the New Jersey Turnpike, I noticed a large white truck two lanes over and four cars ahead'an F-350 Dually, I believe. It was going maybe 70 miles an hour, and a solid half mile of road was opening up in front of it as drivers in all three lanes tried not...
What"s in a Name? A Whole Lot of Money
Jonathan David ...
2004-09-13 16:00
It's been so long since I've been to a Philadelphia Phillies game that the best I can do is tell you it was probably 15 years ago. I'm not sure who played for them back then; the only thing I remember is coming home with a souvenir batting glove. They were never my team, the Phillies. I was always a Yankee fan. When you grow up in North Jersey, being a Yankee fan is basically a birthright....
Zell Miller: Certifiably Insane
Jonathan David ...
2004-09-07 16:00
'Time after time in our history, in the face of great danger, Democrats and Republicans worked together to ensure that freedom would not falter,' said Democratic Senator Zell Miller at last week's Republican National Convention. 'Which leader is it today that has the vision, the willpower and, yes, the backbone to best protect my family? The clear answer to that question has placed me in this...
An Ode to Cuban Cigars
Jonathan David ...
2004-08-24 16:00
I should probably devote this column to New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey's recent announcement that he will step down for having had a homosexual affair'that seems to be the 'it' story of the moment. But I don't think I'm going to write about that. For one thing, I'm behind the curve. I was out of the country'and trying to avoid all forms of news'when the announcement came (and you've probably read...
On Marriage and Bureaucrats
Jonathan David ...
2004-08-10 16:00
You know what's not easy? Planning a wedding. I'm serious. This is coming from a guy who writes about changing the world every week. I honestly think that changing the world is easy compared to planning a wedding. I came to this conclusion on a recent Thursday, when I set out to capture that most elusive of gift certificates: The Marriage License.
It all began when a girl I know told me I needed...
The United States of Prohibition
Jonathan David ...
2004-07-27 16:00
As I've said a couple of times in this column, I'm leaving New Jersey after 26 years when I get married in August. My soon-to-be wife and I are leasing a townhouse in a magical paradise called Pennsylvania. In fact, we began moving stuff in this past weekend. We won't be living there till after the wedding, though. We don't want to live in sin. But anyway, all the shuffling around I've done...
It Can Happen Here
Jonathan David ...
2004-07-20 16:00
Late last year, General Tommy Franks told Cigar Aficionado that another terrorist attack on America, especially one using WMDs, could "unravel the fabric of our Constitution" in favor of martial law. In this scenario, liberty would be traded for security at the request of regular Americans -- folks with 9-to-5 jobs and families to protect.
This would be the recipe for tyranny.
"If it happens, it...
The Libertarian Lesson of "Fahrenheit 9/11"
Jonathan David ...
2004-07-06 16:00
To the untrained eye, it would appear Michael Moore's latest documentary, "Fahrenheit 9/11," is the cinematic equivalent of an ad for John Kerry. Indeed, as the film unfolds, Moore makes connections between the Bush and Bin Laden families, Big Oil, the Saudis, etc., explaining who stood to profit from wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, while stopping just short of calling it a conspiracy. And it would...
The Mental State of Our Union
Jonathan David ...
2004-06-29 16:00
George Bush has got to go.
Why am I saying this? Two articles, in particular. The first appeared in the Washington Post on June 16th. The second appeared in World Net Daily on June 21st. When taken together, and looked at in context, they suggest a very frightening future -- a future in which Americans won't be able to say what's on their minds. So I'm saying "George Bush has got to go" now,...
The State of New Jersey: Unsafe at Any Speed
Jonathan David ...
2004-06-22 16:00
New Jersey is known for its roads. I have varying theories as to why that may be. Part of me thinks it's because the roads are the only things out-of-staters ever see. This would account for why people think New Jersey smells, when, in fact, New Jersey only smells on the Turnpike where out-of-staters pass through. And if you must know, New Jersey only stinks for the same reason blowfish blow...
Ladies Night of the Living Dead
Jonathan David ...
2004-06-08 16:00
Ladies Night. It's the queen of bar and nightclub promotions, and it's popular nationwide. At the Coastline in Cherry Hill, New Jersey, for example, ladies get in without a cover charge -- and pay less for drinks -- one night a week. It's a good way to get girls to come and enjoy the establishment, and a good way to get guys to come and enjoy the girls.
But at least one man hasn't enjoyed this...
"Click It or Ticket" Sticks It to Drivers
Jonathan David ...
2004-06-01 16:00
Soon, I'll be leaving New Jersey -- the state in which I was born -- to live next-door in Pennsylvania. It's an I'm-getting-married-and-need-a-new-place-to-live thing. More on that in a later column. What's important to note is that, while in Pa. over the weekend, I sat down to watch Saturday Night Live on Philadelphia's NBC 10. It was a rerun, actually. The host was Ben Affleck. It had its...
The Patriot Act Is a Refuge for Scoundrels
Jonathan David ...
2004-05-18 16:00
I've decided the Patriot Act is not an assault on our civil liberties, but rather one big practical joke. Any day now, the feds will kick down our doors in the middle of the night. They'll drag us from our beds, tear off our pajamas, and frisk us in the name of freedom. And just when they've gagged us -- just when we're ready to cry -- that new age Allen Funt, Ashton Kutcher, will come walking...
Abu Ghraib Ain"t No Animal House
Jonathan David ...
2004-05-11 16:00
By now you've probably seen the photos of Americans mistreating Iraqis at Abu Ghraib prison. It's some pretty compelling stuff.
In one, there's a woman with a naked man on a leash -- like a Co-Ed Naked Westminster Dog Show.
In another, a naked man with a bag on his head sniffs another naked man's groin. It's like Kurt Vonnegut's alien zoo in Slaughterhouse Five. Humans are animals. They screw in...
Grab Your Sweater: D.C."s Feeling a Draft
Jonathan David ...
2004-04-27 16:00
Pictures of young men adorn the masthead on the Selective Service website. A surfer dude with his arms outstretched. A black man in a shirt and tie. A guitarist. A cowboy. A pensive wigger with a backwards cap. They're an All-American lot, or at least represent all Americans. Some wear the straight-faced scowls of men who mean business. The rest are smiling wide.
"Register Online," it says...
A Place Called Perfect
Jonathan David ...
2004-04-20 16:00
Walgreens. It's the self-proclaimed "Pharmacy America Trusts." Been there lately? I have. A few weeks ago, in fact, I went there to fill a prescription for Augmentin. That's the antibiotic my doctor prescribed to make my ears stop popping. See, I'd gone to a concert and messed my ears up pretty badly, and the onset of allergy season wasn't letting them get better again. Seems I'd earned myself a...
The Day I Learned to Shoot
Jonathan David ...
2004-04-13 16:00
Last summer, right around July 4th, it occurred to me I ought to support the Second Amendment. Not that I ever opposed it, per se. I just hadn't thought about it before. But I realized last summer the right to keep and bear arms is crucial in this era of post-9/11 "vigilance." I even wrote an article about it, but never went further than endorsing this right. "I'm not opposed to the idea of...
Look, Boys! Now You Can Fight Like Real Men!
Jonathan David ...
2004-04-06 16:00
My editor at The Aquarian requested I gear this week's column towards the under-18 crowd. Hey, no problem.
So first things first, young ones, let me say there's one golden rule in life, and it's a rule they don't always teach you in high school. Don't cut in line? Raise your hand before speaking? "I" before "E" except after "C"? No, no, and no -- though those are all...
The Governor Is a Harsh Mistress
Jonathan David ...
2004-03-30 16:00
So get this: I'm getting married in August. It's true. In fact, I've been planning the wedding for more than a year; I just never thought to write about it before. So why am I writing about it now? Well, because it's occurred to me I'm marrying not one but two -- yes, two -- people. The first is someone I've known and loved for almost six years. She's nice. I think you'd like her. The second,...
9/11: Blood on Bush"s Hands?
Jonathan David ...
2004-03-23 17:00
Over the weekend, former Bush administration official Richard Clarke -- author of the new book, Against All Enemies -- told 60 Minutes' Lesley Stahl, "I find it outrageous that the president is running for re-election on the grounds that he's done such great things about terrorism. He ignored it." That's a serious charge by any stretch, but even more so once you realize Clarke's role at the White...
Creating Iraq in Our Image
Jonathan David ...
2004-03-16 17:00
So here we are, a year since the start of the Second Gulf War, and Iraq at last has an interim constitution. I'm guessing most columnists will go with straight-up retrospectives this week, but it's this constitution -- and the requisite sense of accomplishment -- I'd like to discuss.
Now, in 1776, you may recall the United States declared independence from King George III, and in so doing named...
To Rock the Vote, Knock It, or Block It?
Jonathan David ...
2004-03-09 17:00
That's the phrase on an Urban Outfitters t-shirt that's drawing Al Jourgensen's ire.
Who's Al Jourgensen? Al Jourgensen is the founder of the self-described "post-punk dance unit" -- i.e., band -- Ministry. He's also involved with a group called Punk Voter, whose goal is to "organize, educate, and invigorate today's youth" with an eye towards political proactivity. Item No. 1...
The Politics of the Christ
Jonathan David ...
2004-03-02 17:00
I suppose since this essay is largely inspired by Mel Gibson's new God flick, The Passion of the Christ, I should start with a quick review. I had a chance to see it this past weekend, and in short: I thought it was good.
Visually speaking, The Passion is gritty and surreal. Is it dripping with violence, as some allege? Yes. But it's also dripping with realism. The flogging. The scourging. The...
The Road to Tyranny Is Poorly Paved
Jonathan David ...
2004-02-17 17:00
We were on our way back from lunch last week when a colleague and I were pulled aside for speeding on a wide-open, four-lane road. It was actually pretty nice out, that day. Blue skies. Puffy white clouds like you see in cartoons. A departure from recent chill winds. And there we were, cruising along in said colleague's car -- one of three total, going east or west -- when my buddy slammed his...
Was It Something I Said?
Jonathan David ...
2004-02-03 17:00
I wrote last week that I was disavowing the Republican Party due to reckless spending, the Patriot Act, and President Bush's reluctance to directly address us on the dearth of Iraqi weapons. Without meaning to come across as self-important, the response to my column has been so overwhelming that I'd like to spend this week examining how it was received.
All right, all right. I mean to come across...
So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish: A Warhawk Flies the Coop
Jonathan David ...
2004-01-27 17:00
I start on a personal note. I would like for the record to show that, today, I formally disavow the Republican Party as well as my past support for the Second Gulf War.
Now, let me be frank: This is something I didn't see coming a year ago. I only saw things through a prism of GOP allegiance back then. I'm a year older now -- a year wiser, I suppose. It shouldn't be easy for an op-ed writer to...
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