Column by Paul Hein. 

Exclusive to STR

Hillary is being coy about declaring her ambition to be president, and the first female Ruler of the World. While she dithers about the announcement, let me make mine: Once again I declare my candidacy for the presidency. You may recall that the last time I garnered 15 votes; this time I hope to get at least twice as many.

The usual question is raised: What will my domestic policy be? Here it is: Leave Americans Alone! My foreign policy is similar: Leave Foreigners Alone! They’ll make snappy bumper stickers and pennants.

What inspired me to make my announcement at this time was a program I saw on television this morning. The talking heads were discussing ISIS, or ISIL. (Which is it, anyway?) They termed it a “great threat to American security.” That did it: my hat has entered the ring.

When I was a youth--well, younger, anyway--the big bugaboo was Russia. Fear of that country’s rulers justified billions in defense spending, even bomb shelters in the back yards of those especially susceptible to Communo-phobia.

Well, that was understandable. The Russian rulers had formidable weapons, and an immense army, navy, and air force. They had sophisticated technology--even atomic weapons. They could barely feed their own people, but never mind that. They were SCARY!!!

Now we’re being told that this ISIS(L) organization is a threat to America, and I just don’t get it. If Russia was a bear, what is ISIS? A chipmunk? Should I cower in fear?

What is the size of the ISIS navy? Are its ships nuclear powered? How about its air force? Does it have atomic warheads on its missiles? Does it even have missiles? How about heavy industry? None of the talking heads seem concerned about these things, even while telling us to be afraid of whomever these ISIS “terrorists” are. Haven’t these people ever seen The Mouse That Roared?

To be frank, I couldn’t generate much apprehension of Al Qaeda, although it—they?--were also presented as a peril to my well-being and happiness. Now Al Qaeda has faded into the background, and ISIS/ISIL is the fearsome foe de jour. What, or who, next? I’m as susceptible to fright as the next guy, but my supply of fear is running low. Besides, I’m also being maintained in a state of growing concern about global warming, ebola, the flu, and assorted other threats. I’ve only just gotten over fear of killer bees, and alar on apples. Enough, already!

Hence my foreign policy, which, I’ve just realized, could be merged with its domestic counterpart: Leave EVERYBODY alone! It’s deplorable if Sunnis want to exterminate Shiites, or vice-versa, but it’s not our problem. The Arabs and Jews will have to work things out between them--we’ve sent both sides billions of dollars, and weapons as well. Maybe if we stop doing that, they’ll have to come to some arrangement. Or maybe not: It’s up to them. I’ll leave them alone! And I’ll let Americans alone, too, if they feel impelled to travel to foreign destinations and fight with this faction or the other. And because we’ve already got enough weaponry to wipe out a good part of the earth’s population, I’ll leave the armament manufacturers alone, too. If we leave foreigners alone, it’s likely they’ll leave us alone as well, and we can make do with the military supplies that we have, and can bring our soldiers home from the hundreds of bases that they occupy in other countries.

The best way for me to leave Americans alone would be for me to let them keep what is theirs--as, for example, their income. Where is it written that the government must grow inexorably, consuming more and more of the peoples’ wealth?

If elected, I promise to bring all of these things about during my first year in office, or until assassinated--whichever comes first.

Your rating: None Average: 10 (1 vote)
Paul Hein's picture
Columns on STR: 150


Samarami's picture

Was just thinking, Paul, that it'll soon be a full half-century since I last voted in a political election. I voted for Barry Goldwater.

But for you, I might just consider registering again so I can cast my one vote -- Paul Hein for Grand Wizard!

Let's see...where do I have to go to pay "my" poll tax???