"Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything." ~ Frank Dane
Right Brain + Left Brain = No Brain
Last week, Drew Westen of Emory University announced the results of a study conducted before the 2004 election, which examined the brains of George Bush and John Kerry supporters. The results of this study suggested that partisan thinking derives not from reason but pure emotion. When faced with favorable facts about their candidates, the men's brains lit up like junkies getting their fix on. When presented with negative facts, their brains simply refused to consider what they heard. This, of course, comes as no surprise to me. I've always wondered why the things I say to most liberals and conservatives go in one ear and out the other. Now I know: Scientifically speaking, these people have no brains. But rather than going on and on about this study, which would probably only get me in trouble, I've decided to take a break from spouting off this week to let representatives from both sides of the political aisle make the case for or against the study themselves. Here now are the opinions on this groundbreaking research, as written by two entirely fictional voters, whose names I made up because I wrote this on deadline and couldn't find anyone real to interview. I think you'll agree their essays are telling. In fact, both sides might be closer than you think. ' ' ' "My Brain is a Battleground in the War Against America: A View from the Right,' by Bush T. Conservatron So . . . Drew Westen thinks he's found scientific proof that Republicans are irrational? That's interesting. Too bad there's NO SUCH THING AS SCIENCE. In an ideal world, I suppose life would be one giant fairytale. Special magicians called 'doctors' would dazzle us with wonderful, health-improving capsules called 'medicines.' Man would soar through the sky in big metal 'airplanes.' And who knows? Maybe someday we'd have computers small enough to fit inside a single room. But that's not the world we're living in here. This is the real world. And the reality is, there's no such thing as science. What're you going to tell me next, Mr. Westen'that the planet existed before I stepped foot on it? Or that mankind was meant to find 'answers' to questions? Yeah, sure. Well, I've got a question for you: What's black and white and red all over? All you liberals' with American blood and New York Times print on your hands. Let me put this as simply as I can: I am a Bush supporter. And unlike all you communist, tree-hugging, Brokeback Mountain-watching Kerry supporters, I deal in cold, hard facts'not the colors of the rainbow. Emory University is just another Elite Leftist College, bent on teaching America's youth about liberal values like research and free parking. It doesn't surprise me that these people would conduct a study the likes of Mr. Westen's, because they'll do whatever it takes to regain political power. Only liberals deal in things like 'emotions' and 'feelings.' And only liberals would try to convince us these things are normal. This is what we're up against, people. First they tried to secularize Christmas. Now they're trying to secularize our brains. Are we really going to sit here and stand for this? Mr. Westen hates freedom. That's what this comes down to. Anyone who would say I voted for Bush based on pure emotion obviously doesn't remember September 11th. As a Bush supporter, I have personally rationalized each and every one of the president's policies'from 'torture' and 'domestic spying' to 'keeping secrets' and 'destroying key freedoms and civil liberties.' This country was built on the blood, sweat, and tears of slaves and George W. Bush supporters'people like me who understand you can't just roll out of bed in the morning and expect things to have 'quote marks' around them. You have to work to put those 'quote marks' there. You have to work to make things make sense to you. So don't talk to me about being irrational. Talk to all those freeloading hippie liberals at Emory University. They're the irrational ones. ' ' ' "He's George Bush, and He Approved This Hurricane: A View from the Left,' by John Kerry Mellencamp Well, well, well. A new study out of Emory University finds that partisan thinking is completely irrational. Hey, guess what? As a Democrat, I've been saying this for years. In fact, if not for all those partisans in flyover country, John Kerry would be president right now. And America would be in a much better place. Already, I know what you're thinking. Actually, I always know what you're thinking. And right now it's this: 'What makes Democrats less partisan than Republicans?' That's easy. Democrats aren't partisan because Democrats aren't a party. Oh, sure, we run candidates in every election. We have our own mascot, a chairman, even a color (a nice shade of blue). But whereas Republicans exist to pillage and plunder the country, we exist to stop them by pillage-and-plundering cities and towns. Basically, we exist out of pure necessity. And if that somehow makes us a 'party'? Well, that just shows how far to the right our country has gone. I think it's a shame America chose Bush over Kerry. If Kerry were president, Hurricane Katrina would never have happened. Nor would any of the other disasters that've occurred the last five years'including Enron and Ben Affleck's Gigli. Most of the world understands this. But Bush supporters? Bush supporters are different. These people couldn't care less about the environment, but when a Category 5 destroys the Gulf of Mexico, all of a sudden it's a 'force of nature.' All of a sudden it's 'just something that happens.' Please. John Kerry predicted Hurricane Katrina. And if John Kerry were president, the blind would be able to see again. And lepers would no longer have leprosy. And blacks would no longer be black. That's why it's crucial we get Democrats back in the White House. My party isn't a party, and I don't know who my party will nominate next time, but whoever it is'be it Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden, Evan Bayh, or even Hillary Clinton'it's important that they win. Don't let all those Republican spinmeisters spin the results of this Emory study. Because they'll just keep spinning like dreidels if you let them. Yes, there are folks in this world who approach politics based on pure emotion. But Fox News has a name for those people. And they're called 'Fox News viewers.' Bush supporters aren't human. Their brains aren't misshapen and clumpy like our brains. Theirs are perfect circles, and they taste a little like egg whites. These people are crazy. They wave tiny flags and don't go to the bathroom. They'll do whatever you tell them to do, unless you tell them to vote Democrat, in which case they're suddenly independent thinkers. This makes no sense. And it's flat out irrational. If Republicans stay in power, the grass will melt and the sun will fall down. That's the lesson of this Emory study. So keep that in mind at the next election. Vote Democrat and all of your wildest dreams will come true.