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Ya'll listen up now, I got something to say, and I is somebody, so what I say is important.
I got friends in high places, and I got proof.
I have a genuine plastic card that says 'Jeff Zervas is a Member of Norm's Campaign Team.' It has a real picture of my new buddy, Norm, plus his name, 'Norm Coleman, United States Senator-Minnesota' and his signature, right there, next to his toothy picture.
Gosh, I'm a member of the team. Wow! I guess I don't have to be lonely no more. I'm on Norm's team and he's gonna take care of me. I just know it. Sure feels good to finally be part of something.
I love ya, Norm! What would I ever do without you and the rest of the guys?
Is this a great country, or what?
Now if ya'll don't believe me, I got more written proof of his affection. It's right there in a letter addressed to me, personally.
Me an' Norm, we're buds on a first name basis. Nope, I ain't 'Mr. Zervas' to the 'Honorable Norm Coleman,' I'm 'Jeff.'
And I got a letter to prove it.
That letter says that I've been one of his strongest supporters and because of his deep appreciation for my friendship, he is enclosing the above card. That card, he points out, is personalized in my name and is a symbol of the common sense and conservative values he and I share.
I never contributed to his campaigns or voted for him, and I've always been suspicious of Democrats, even ones who change their label, but what the hey, if the guy says he's conservative, and he's a buddy, who am I to ask questions?
These past few years, he's pretty much ignored my letters and e-mail communications and the few times he got around to answering, it's almost always with form letters. But shucks, I'd never hold a grudge against a friend.
I was curious about his conservatism, so I checked out his website. I'm sure he's a conservative.
Coleman fought for sugar funding
COLEMAN SAVES SUGAR FROM BUDGET CUTS
Coleman, Kohl push to renew milk support program
COLEMAN SECURES $2.8 MILLION FOR MINNESOTA'S NATURAL RESOURCES & TREATMENT FACILITIES
SENATOR COLEMAN URGES MASSIVE INVESTMENT IN INTELLECTUAL, PHYSICAL AND TECHNOLOGICAL INFRASTRUCTURE ON GULF COAST
COLEMAN SAYS PASSAGE OF RURAL RENAISSANCE A MAJOR VICTORY FOR GREATER MINNESOTA
COLEMAN PRAISES UNANIMOUS PASSAGE OF FY06 DEFENSE APPROPRIATIONS BILL; INCLUDES $85 MILLION IN MILITARY & DEFENSE PROJECTS SECURED BY COLEMAN FOR MN
COLEMAN PRAISES SENATE PASSAGE OF FY06 CJS APPROPRIATIONS BILL THAT SECURES FUNDING FOR HURRICANE KATRINA VICTIMS
COLEMAN AND CLINTON PUSH LEGISLATION TO PROVIDE EQUAL ACCESS TO SUBSTANCE ABUSE TREATMENT PROGRAMS FOR 23 MILLION AMERICANS
SMITH, COLEMAN TO INTRODUCE AMENDMENT TO STOP MEDICAID CUTS
Those are but a few examples of his conservative thriftiness in government. His site is loaded with many more examples of the conservative stuff Ol' Norm is doing to us. Ya know, with Norm around, who needs Santa Claus? One question, though. Did Santa distribute stolen goods?
Oh well, he's in a position of power and authority, and what he says goes. I oughta trust a guy like that. I'd be outa line for the team's sake to ask questions or demand accountability.
Am I a patriot, or what?
And Norm is such a good, positive feller that I should cut him a little slack. He says, 'In contrast to our opponents, ours will be a positive, issue-driven, grassroots campaign . . . .'
On a positive note, he mentions that 'One of my potential opponents is comedian Al Franken, but there's nothing funny about his venomous 'Air America' liberal radio show, his high-powered and deep-pocketed Hollywood friends, his national network of Bush Haters or the magnitude of his personal wealth.'
Damn deep pocketed, Bush Bashing, rich Hollywood liberals. They'll ruin the country every time.
Hey Norm, what about Ronnie Reagan? I still get calendars with his piccher on it. I guess he was poor though, cuz almost all the picchers show him working hard on his ranch all by his own self. And he's doing it all with hand tools. He was probably too pore to buy a chain saw cuz there's a piccher of him with two axes, one in each hand.
Yup, you read that right.
Ronnie has on axe in each hand, and those weren't no ordinary wimp hatchets, either. They were double bladed axes, the both of 'em. A regular Paul Bunyan, he was!
What a man! A veritable giant!
Despite being a giant, he musta been real pore cuz he had to ride horses a lot. He wasn't no limousine liberal, that Ronnie.
Well, he not only rode horses, he liked 'em too.
Fer instance, under one piccher there's a Ronald Reagan quote what says, 'There's nothing better for the inside of a man than the outside of a horse.' He musta had some strange innards, cuz I always thought the best thing for mine was a cold beer, not some old nag!
I wonder, though, what he thought about the underside of a horse. If he ever trimmed a hoof, or cleaned the frog on one, he'd a likely changed his mind a bit.
Folks, we are talking stink here. Toe jam. Major, major toe jam! I wouldn't want even the odor in my innards. Those things stink to high heaven!
Maybe that's why he named his ranch 'Rancho Cielo.' Dunno, but one thing's sure, I won't even mention cleaning the pizzle sheath under one of those critters.
Speakin' about the various sides of a horse, I wonder what he thought about the backside of one?
I bet he dealt with a lot of them in D.C.
Lots of hot air comes from there and I'm here to tell ya, it reeks. The other stuff ain't so pleasant either, but politicians are full of it, so I hope he liked it.
Pardon my ramblin, but cowboys do that a lot. Especially the romantic sort.
Well, back to ol' Positive Norm.
I just know Norm's gonna run a positive campaign because he mentions that he took a lot of heat from liberal critics, and in the end he discovered billions of dollars worth of fraud and abuse . . . Yup, millions of dollars were diverted to line the pockets of corrupted and connected U.N. insiders. And that adds up to billions. We're talking serious ka-ching here, buds!
Because of that he "exposed the scandal, identified the riff-raff and he's on a mission to reform the United Nations."
That's what I like about my buddy. He's on a mission. If a guy's on a mission, he can't be all bad. He has to be tough. Or kind. Or both.
Norm's probably both. A compassionate missionary conservative.
Not only that, he's a family man. He says that he and his wife Laurie hope that I'll lend a helping hand.
He must know me. I have a soft spot in my heart for women. How can I say 'no' to a lady? Or a family man? Or a fellow team mate?
Ya wanna be somebody?
Just send dollars.